I’ve blogged before about my complete and total inability to live in the present moment. I often find my thoughts drifting through our plans which end somewhere around, “And by then our kid(s) will be out of the house, based on the current projections for my 401(a), we’ll be able to retire 2.5 years early even with five years subtracted to stay home with the child(ren), the mortgage will be close to paid off and we can decide whether we want to downsize and use that money to travel. Maybe I should check on flight prices to Europe for April 2047.”
I know there are some good things about having a basic direction in life, but this is just not right. Especially scary is the desire to skip some parts of life to get to that moment where we finally have everything, a la that movie with that actor who I have no respect for after “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.” It’s easy to start thinking, “If we could just skip three years ahead, we’ll be in this really perfect situation…”
Also frightening is that planning so far ahead makes it feel like we’re so much older than we are. Thoughts like, “Enrolling full time in grad school? I don’t know… I’d be there with all those 23 year olds,” are a lot more common than they should be.
When I’m able to clear my mind of all of the pressures to be “something” already, I’m really happy with where we’re at. I really like my job, I love hanging out in all these cool new places with Steve, and we’re living pretty comfortably. So maybe at 24 we’re not CEOs with 2.3 kids, a big house with a white picket fence, and a vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard. And that’s OK.
As the wise Buffy the Vampire Slayer said, “I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies.”
Maybe by the time I’m 40 I’ll be cookies. Until then, I’m going to try to enjoy the ride.
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1 comment:
Does this mean you're half baked? :-) Forgive your old man, but I couldn't resist! I applaud your quest for the existential now without abandoning the future. You know that I have found much wisdom and comfort from Desiderata, particularly the notion that whether I know it or not, the universe is unfolding as it should. With all due respect to Buffy, I see you more as a rose who daily blooms more beautifully!
Love,
Dad
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